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申请密歇根大学的Essay点评

From the time I was able to realize what a university was, all I heard from my mother's side of the family was about the University of Michigan and the great heritage it has. Many a Saturday afternoon my grandfather would devote to me, by sitting me down in front of the television and reminiscing about the University of Michigan while halftime occurred during a Michigan Wolverines football game. Later, as I grew older and universities took on greater meaning, my mother and uncle, both alumni of the University of Michigan, took me to see their old stamping grounds. From first sight, the university looked frightening because of its size, but with such a large school comes diversity of people and of academic and non-academic events.

flytowest.com点评:本段重点不够鲜明,不知道写作方向是什么。另外有些需要简化,比如while halftime occurred 修改为at halftime.From first sight,可以修改为immediately.

In Springfield High School, non-academic clubs such as the Future Physicians and the Pylon, both of which I have belonged to for two years, give me an opportunity to see both the business world and the medical world. These two clubs have given me a greater sense of what these careers may be like. In Future Physicians, I participated in field trips to children's hospitals and also participated in two bloodbanks.

flytowest.com点评:与一段衔接不好,为什么突然跳跃到这个部分。Very abrupt transition from the first paragraph to 这段与申请密歇根大学什么关系呢?本段有些描述过于宽泛,而缺乏具体的例子证明。参加的这些活动如何影响了你的职业途径,应该具体细节一些。

Currently I hold a job at Maas Brothers. This lets me interact with people outside my own immediate environment. I meet different kinds of people, in different moods, with diffrent attitudes, and with different values. This job teaches me to be patient with people, to have responsibility, and to appreciate people for what they are.

flytowest.com点评:应该说明在Maas Brothers具体做什么工作。interact 这个词比较含糊。diffrent attitudes语法错误。

In the community I am active in my church Youth Group. As a high school sophomore, I was our church's representative to the Diocesan Youth Fellowship. I helped organize youth group events, the largest being "The Bishop's Ball," a state-wide event for 300 young people. I also played high school junior varsity soccer for two years. As a senior I will be playing varsity soccer, but in the off-season. As a junior I coached a girls' soccer team for the town. This gave me a great deal of responsibility because the care of twenty-four girls was put into my custody. It felt very satisfying to pass on the knowledge of soccer to another generation. The girls played teams from other parts of Florida. Though their record was 3-8, the girls enjoyed their season. This is what I taught them was the greatest joy of soccer.

flytowest.com点评:短文不能复述你在其它申请资料中的内容,应该有一个重点,比如描述如何带动这个团队踢足球。不要谈教育下一代等比较宏大的内容。

The past three years of my life have given me greater visions of my future. I see the University of Michigan as holding a large book with many unread chapters and myself as an eager child who has just learned to read. I intend to read and probe into all the chapters. The University of Michigan offers me more than the great reputation of this fine school, but a large student body with diverse likes and dislikes, and many activities, both academic and non-academic, to participate in. With the help of the University of Michigan, I will be successful after college and be able to make a name and place for myself in our society.

flytowest.com点评:这段应该说明为何申请密歇根大学。但是这些文字过于general。不要将重点放在描述对方大学如何好上,应该更多地介绍自己为何要选择这所大学,自己需要具体什么样的教育。比如谈到某个活动或者教育形式等等。总结起来,本文包含很多信息,拖拖拉拉说了很多方面,但是并没有明确的重点和确凿的证据。

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